Reaching Goals and Feeling Blue

I’ve been cranky the past few days–Startler and Waldorf cranky, without the smart zingers.

But I’ve got no excuse for it: I’ve written another piece for EcoGeek (so lucky!), and one for a new website, Dorkjuice, on my silly excitement for PAX East, and I have a few more articles about green tech and geek news on the horizon. Be still my heart: I’m writing. I’m writing about topics I’m interested in, and I’m learning to write in new ways for new audiences.

And I’m buzzing with pitch ideas, excited for these new projects. Most of me is blue, though. Inexplicably blue.

It’s strange how good fortune doesn’t necessarily correlate with an all-encompassing happiness boost. I’m moving along in my goals, but these successes haven’t shaken me from some lingering “why-do-I-exist” crisis that everyone must constantly undergo, right?

Right? At least near constantly? Once a week, maybe, do you, too, face down either 1) the strangeness of your upcoming death or 2) the bigger strangeness of your excessively unlikely presently alive status and what can be done with it?

What to do with one’s life doesn’t have to be couched in terms of work, I know. I know it’s possible for people to have vocations and livelihoods that don’t intersect. But do those who find their dream careers still feel these crises lumped in with thoughts of their livelihoods? Do the crises have a different flavor for you, the ones who made it, the people I admire, who do what they love even when it’s hard? Or maybe there are levels of “what am I doing with my life” that those who’ve found their calling still reach when they’re not wholly consumed by purpose.

I’m lucky to be making strides in writing and learning in action, but I still have this core crisis. I could write about that. Maybe it’s inevitable to write about that when it churns like it has been lately.

From Buzzfeed.


6 thoughts on “Reaching Goals and Feeling Blue

  1. mmm, at the risk of being wildly wrong, and please ignore this/delete if it annoys you, but i wonder if you are feeling what quite a few creatives get when after pouring a lot of energy into something, it has fulfilled its surface/apparent purpose, but not something subconscious that was attached to it…i’ll paint and this work will will make a great show (yes, happened) and then…i’ll make more creative friends, i’ll feel part of an appreciated community, i’ll be satisfied with myself for proving me right and X wrong about my abilities…(no, didn’t happen). I met my husband through my first solo exhibition and realised part of my slump after the first solo i did a year after his death, which involved loads of stuff, like getting fibromyalgia from cracking my collarbone again and letting my stepson dictate whether i would have an anniversary/memorial show for my husband in the city as well as his small home town, plus ordinary post-show slump, was, right at the back…i had hoped what, that he would come back? i don’t know, but i missed him more than ever and cried really hard that month…i only got to that through having a good therapist and 20 years self awareness/recovery work and even so, it was sooo subtle behind the big noise…
    anyway, i have spent years learning tricks to dig through, so wonder if perhaps automatic writing you are feeling good about professional achievements AND….sad about….might shake something loose? but only if you feel some energy for it…and if that felt in any way intrusive, my apologies…

    • Your comment was neither intrusive nor annoying, singingbirdartist–it was moving and insightful. Thank you so much for sharing this advice, and for sharing such personal experience. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have gone through the loss of your husband, and I admire you for your immensely dedicated work with those subtle feelings.

      I have not taken the time to attempt automatic writing in a long time, and doing that again just might help me get a better sense of what’s involved in the relationship between my internal processes and creative activities; I’d love to do this and report back here.

      Surface purpose versus what’s attached to it is also such a helpful way for me to think about it. Thank you again for taking the time to reach out to a stranger on the Internet and help her along. 🙂

  2. you are so welcome! creative community and global goodwill are the activism i can still be part of, agoraphobia and fibro have kind of knocked a lot on the head…helping untangle reminds me how tricky this stuff can be and to be kind to myself when necessary. i hope things clarify: you write well, so feeling blue is a shame when the good stuff is coming your way. losing out on these moments is a shame, they are part of what makes your core feeling about your life, which then helps with maintaining momentum and centredness…
    all good wishes

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